Dear Baseball Gods,
By Jason Burke
August 4, 2014; Oakland, CA, USA; A possum runs across the foul territory during the tenth inning between the Oakland Athletics and the Tampa Bay Rays at O.co Coliseum. The Athletics defeated the Rays 3-2. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports
In lieu of a game recap tonight, recounting another A’s loss, I’m opting to go for a lighthearted letter to the baseball gods.
Dear Baseball Gods,
Why have you forsaken us? You tease us with illusions of grandeur, only to smite us when we need you most. But it’s ok, there’s still plenty of time for us to regain your favor. What do we have to do? Sacrifice the Rally Possum? How about we just call Vamos Pest to catch of the marsupial, and we will offer him to you as a sacrifice. Sound good? Done. Olmedo is no more.
Is it this whole Moneyball thing that has you worked up, Jobu? Sure, accruing walks is nifty, but not even Daric Barton can walk every at-bat. Well, unless he was getting a plate appearance in the top half of the ninth on Sunday afternoon (he didn’t).
Is that was this is about? You’re mad because Daric Barton isn’t on the 40-man roster? Ugh, fine you can have him too. He’s an Oakland Athletic for life.
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Was it the trade of Yoenis Cespedes that made you angry? We know that you do not favor those that stack their roster in recent years (Marlins, Blue Jays, Dodgers). Did we get too greedy for your liking? Or is this some elaborate plan on behalf of the gods to ensure the A’s and Tigers face in the Wild Card game? What is your plan!?
It’s ok, we’re not mad. Just put everything back to the way it was. That’s all we’re asking. That, and maybe some wins of the back-to-back variety. We want offense. We want Alberto Callaspo to stop being in the lineup. Maybe you can make Nick Punto healthier? We want to hear “For Whom the Bell Tolls” in the ninth inning once more.
Just get us into the Wild Card game, ‘o baseball gods!
If you do not come, we say forget you Jobu. We (try to) do this ourselves.